What about visiting your parents? Actually, its not just the weekends; your husband wants to spend every moment with his parent and his family. Will.i.am Through good communication and a fair division of labor, these chores can be tolerable or even enjoyable. Which is totally fine for you. Also, make plans with friends. Wanting to spend time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl I love girls night out. But she doesnt seem to mind it. My bf is exactly the same and we have a kid he sleeps there tho and we have been together for four year i am at the end of the line now i cant deal with it no more rather than spend the nigt at home with me and his son his mam and dad showrd up and said av come to take u and he had the cheek to ask me as he was already out of the door u alright er no am not alright but get on with it, They are ruinin our relationship we just lost a baby in septemeber and things are just bad i feel lile he doesnt want to be here and doesnt love me cos if he did he wudnt want to be up there he spends 5 out of the 7 days up the in the last two month we have lived together for four years. My husband calls his mom about once a week as well and his dad a few times a year. Explain to him that you value your time together just the two of you and make some suggestion as to how you could spend that time. muchachaenlaventana demoiselle A picnic in the park? I Hate My New Job After 2 Days Is it Horrible To Quit? You do like to see people you love, right? Friends of her own? A lot of other things contributed to our divorce, but the parental involvement in our life didnt help. Maybe he doesnt understand this because YOU SPEND EVERY WEEKEND WITH HIS PARENTS. but no one thought anything of it if someone had other plans or didnt come for a few weeks. January 20, 2012, 9:16 am, LW I would sit down and talk with your BF. Ok, fine, I do this. Just tell him you are unhappy with your current social life. This boyfriend seems like one of those people whose default is go home. I bet when he lived at home he barely left the house. True enough, Flake. LW, you are not being unreasonable! His parents tell him they gave him everything, and he neglected them when he married. Other than the timeline (which could be a typo), Im confused about something else. allathian Yes, maybe it is a little TOO much time with the family. It is some throughout that entire period-IDK what that means but to me probably 1-2 weekends a month which isnt really that many. June 18, 2014, 10:17 am. . Long story short even though we saw each other almost every weekend for 4.5 straight years, not once did he agree to this. Laura Hope December 6, 2022, 12:17 pm. Okay okay. Then again if this is an issue of homebody vs. not-homebody, that is not so simple. It could be because some people purposely hide some of their not exactly good habits, or because you may never have an opportunity to see the less obvious habits. You can accept that this is how it is for as long as he works a job that has him away from home for months on end and if you ever have kids, it will be worse because his parents will have grandkids theyll want to spend time with in addition to their son or you can decide this is a deal-breaker and move on. This LW specifically has a problem during the summer/fall months (so 6 months tops, depending where she lives) when he gets to come home *only some weekends* so not every single weekend, and he spends a majority of his time with his family and the LW. He knows the most delicious homemade lunch prepared by his mom (he probably thinks you can never cook as well as his mother) is waiting for him. I just truly think this stuff is common sense, which is why it is so baffling to me. CottonTheCuteDog They are content with the status quo. If your hubby is young and just recently married he may also be feeling insecure and needing his bros to lean on. The oldest brother, who worked in Belgium a few hours away (and had a nice apartment there) would always, always take the train home as soon as work finished on Friday. This too. But I have too much shit to do at work today so Ill spare everyone my tangent. The timeline seems off here. I need for both him and his parents to realize its time for him to grow up. Your He needs a lot of family time, you need a lot of just-the-two-of-you time. Just tell your boyfriend you dont want to go to his parents house every weekend. Hes going to choose you. The BF is emotionally (and physically) unavailable and I dont know that it will change without some sort of drastic action from the LW. GatorGirl Will.i.am If you dont say anything, how in the hell is he supposed to know anything is wrong? Am I the only person that is truly freightened by this? For the first two months we dated, hed go and see his mom for an hour or two during the weekend, because I lived in the same town as she did and as my parents did. Plan a trip to visit your family. Theres also always a cold beer in the freeze. Starting over! Its different having lunch with your parents or spending a couple hours with them every weekend. Sorry if someone else mentioned this and I didnt see, but it seems as though the boyfriend moved straight from his parents house to with her, right? And I bet your boyfriend will come home a bit sooner if you do! ele4phant Maybe he feels that since he sees the gf all week now, he should spend weekends with his family. It isnt every weekend though, he is gone every week, coming home only some weekends. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. I frankly doubt that this relationship has a future. Haha. Addie Pray The relationship this man has with his family is dysfunctional and heres why. Because when you are confronted with a situation head on, and theres pressure to resolve it right this second, the reaction is usually different then if you had a chance to talk it through and come to a mutually satisfying solution. Five Steps for Maintaining an Open Relationship, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Its even understandable to spend every weekend with them if someone is terminally ill (or some other similarly serious circumstance). The pursuer (usually the guy, but not always) realizes that he has gotten the person he wanted, and stops feeling the need to woo herie frequent well-thought-out dates, sweet romantic gestures in the middle of the day, unprompted soliloquizing on how much you mean to him, etc. If you actually like your partner, there's a chance you'll want to spend Christmas day together. Theres no need for anyone to take offense if others would have an opinion that something that pertains to you is abnormal. Personally, I would give him an ultimatumtherapy or you need to move on and find someone whos actually emotionally available. By the time I agree something seems off here, because they have lived together ALMOST THREE weeks, and go to his parents house NEARLY every weekend, but only since they have lived together. But whatever you do, LW, dont make this some kind of Choose them or me test. Have you tried just not going? wendyblueeyes That would be great if your husband didnt spend every weekend with his family instead of you. Who keeps the dog? Not just loving-tight, but codependent-tight. Yes. if it works for you, thats all that matters. You also mention a somewhat imbalanced division of finances did you discuss that before moving in? Copyright 2023 Dear Wendy. Then, he needs to ask her, calmly and without accusation, why she prefers to spend her weekends with her A lot to balancenot a lot of time spent with the fam. Fast-forward almost 30 years: I become friends with several ppl who all are super tight with their moms. Maybe if you stop going every single time hell decide to stay home with you every now and then. January 20, 2012, 9:34 am. I really like going on dates and spending time with just you on Saturday and exploring the city, parton_doll And he was a bore. But what Im truly wondering is if this difference in opinion over how to spend the weekends is reflective of other big differences between you two that you didnt have time to learn before you moved in together. I realize going every weekend to his parents house is a little extreme, but remember too that its not just you anymore. Not needing to have such a sterile conversation because youve given enough time to learn that about each other naturally and observe how the other person lives? I think the issue is that you just need to communicate. I guess I just dont get why this is dysfunctional exactly. The thing is, he is grown up and he has chosen to place a large emphasis on his family time. But if throughout dating you looked for all those little signs and clues that led you to believe that you are on the same page, I do not see the need for an official information session, or why it is wrong to assume that things will just continue as they are. He is not making her a priority & placing a lot of his focus & free time with his parents. The evening must be spent together as well? which reminds me of my friends who was cheated on i was telling you about yesterday. I dont think the parents issue is as big of a deal as the not-communicating-about-money-very-well thing. You SHOULD sit down and have a rational, democratic discussion about the BIG ISSUES before you move in together, if you havent already discussed them outright. Tell him youre staying home this weekend. I know when my husband and I finally started living together, we would see both our parents every weekend along with going to the laundry mat and grocery shopping. The adult children often rely heavily emotionally on the parents, depend on them to decide many or most of their decisions(particularly ones that are important), and so on. Yea, I mean this could be two things: a mere annoyance or an over the top mom. I am afraid for humanity. And when it comes to something as important and serious to me as moving in with someone, assumption just aint gonna cut it. Thats on you. I think you should leave, but its your choice, obviously. I love entertaining, but I want folks to leave at the end of the night. I base this on the LWs statement that one or the other tries to make her feel guilty for not wanting to spend every weekend with the parents. January 20, 2012, 10:53 am. As for the LWs sitch, its only been a few weeks. Shes not being selfish or mean, shes simply asking for him to place more importance on her & their relationship. If you want things to change, you need to be the catalyst for change. barf. My friends personalities changed drastically bitter, enraged, drug and booze binges, even suicidal ideation because losing Mommy destroyed them. And that commute can be a PAIN IN THE ASS. It took both of us a while to cut that back to what it is now, first it moved to one set of parents each weekend so wed alternate, and then down to every couple weeks. My point is that the important stuff should be agreed upon or found out with as much subtlety as possible before you even think of moving in together. I do care for his parents and they are nice people but at the same time I want a separate life with just me and my boyfriend. Say that you enjoy spending time with his parents but you really miss your city weekends, so youd prefer to stay home except for maybe once a month. He is an adult & his main focus should be on his relationship. WebHusband spends all his free time with his adult chilrdren. Summer and fall is half the year. Youre right. That was a reply to LBHFor some reason, it is not posting in the correct thread, lets_be_honest From unexpected work obligations on the weekend to sudden business travel demands, one partners professional goals and ambitions can impose stress on a Its hard not knowing when a passing will But if that has been the case and she doesnt want it to continue, she should try to stop it now. Ryan Howes, clinical psychologist. Not only is it a long commute to my boyfriends familys place, but its also starting to get expensive paying for the commuter train both ways (we split expenses pretty evenly even though I make significantly less). Do you guys never visit/spend time with them? Occasionally, this is fine with me and I understand Im not the only person Some families really are just that close. Even if they stay together and even if she manages to persuade her boyfriend to spend less time with his parents, the parents are going to resent the LW for it. Yet another letter from a LW who has the perfect boyfriend EXCEPT for one small, oh, you know, majorly epic, MASSIVE tiny thing she wants changed. WebI've also been in a relationship with Tim for three years. WebHere are potential reasons why your husband goes out every weekend without you. I would not enjoy feeling like I couldnt just be at home some weekends. Unless theres a legitimate reason, like a sick/dying family member, that he needs to be home all the time, escaping his life with you in the city means he doesnt value your needs and you dont share the same interests. Your boyfriend is spending every weekend at his parents house because you are enabling that to happen. As your history with him has shown, he likes spending his weekends with you. If you spent every weekend together in the city before you lived together, it would seem that thats something he enjoys doing. when we went to move in together we just said ok, what price range are you looking for. Except for the part where they are not spending much time together at all, lets_be_honest Tired of Sharing So Much of Him. silver_dragon_girl But this situation doesnt even necessarily sound like heavy parental guilting (even though the LW says it makes her feel guilty), just like oh we want to spend more time with you! and the LWs not as used to letting it go. Yeah, I agree you should really talk to him about it. June 18, 2014, 12:55 pm. Wow its creepy how similar this is to my ex boyfriend! A lot of Saturdays, we saw the other set. Dear Ann Cannon So my only son and his wife have been married for almost four years. After a year and a half of this, I asked my ex if we could have a parent-free Sunday, just us. Ugh and when girls believe their boyfriends that clearly just dont want the bang train to leave over other people it drives me crazy. But I wouldnt go as far to say he is emotionally dependent and his family is dysfunctional. Thats what I wondered why does she have to go with every weekend? I dont think that is healthy. Its not a matter of never visiting his parents, but of not visiting every weekend. He and I are obviously not together anymore and I bet his new squeeze doesnt mind. to a point, but there are some things that there is no way around not having a conversation around. We live down the street from my boyfriends parents and hes always at there house on his days off. Right, If these things fail then she has to make decisions. ForeverYoung and it sounds like she hasnt even tried to discuss this current issue with him. No ones a bad person for saying these things (except my aunt, shes the worst and in a league of her own), but if youre someone for whom this feels like guilting, it can start making you feel so bad. Hes going to do what hes going to do and if in four years he hasnt changed, then he probably wont, Your only choice is to accept it or move on. June 18, 2014, 10:50 am. leilani Im in the same boat. June 18, 2014, 9:59 am, Haha, I think this is quite extreme. Its possible he was living at home and spending weekends with her, so he was seeing his family all week. I mean if youre banging before you move in together surely youve discussed birth control and/or in case of an accidental pregnancy scenarios. Or pick berries. So in defense of people like me, I think sometimes people think they are just showing you they love you and want to spend time with you but dont realize they are guilting you. You know how it usually goes, on weekdays, you and your husband work, and you have a little time for yourself. I can see it both ways. If he came back home, he would insist that we spend the whole weekend out in the rural area hanging out with his parents. tbrucemom Its a bit immature for a grown man to spend the weekend with his family while his wife is home alone, and maybe the children too. I know I had to tell my husband he still had to date me and it was news to him! Or is that the LWs perception because she wants to be home? I can almost sense the resentment growing Definitely should talk this over rather sooner then later. Then you need a different boyfriend. Not because hes wrong, or youre wrong, but because your lifestyles just dont fit together well. Its best to spend one Christmas with his family and the next with yours, right? remember, its only been 3 weeks since you moved in. Make plans for activities. CottonTheCuteDog Its not explicitly in the letter, by I got the feeling that the weekend visits to bfs family preceded the moving in together, but that she still had some weekend time to herself. Should I Ask Out My Hot Massage Therapist?, When Do You Know Its Time to Break Up With Someone?, My Daughter is Trying to Ruin My Relationship. Maybe he just needs to be broken out of his pattern. Did you guys actually read this letter? June 18, 2014, 12:30 pm. Its sad, but it happens. Perhaps if something was planned, hed break his routine, and realize that it is fun sometimes to stay in the city. If it doesnt work for you LW, then this might be a dealbreaker. January 20, 2012, 11:18 am. That was seven years ago. Not only has this been an incredibly short relationship, but no where in this letter does she say that she has even mentioned to her boyfriend that this is an issue. you still have some kinks to work out and a lot to learn about eachother! I consider myself to have a pretty close relationship with my own family, but they live in another state, and I really dont require seeing them more than once every 6 weeks or even being in touch more than every couple of days. January 20, 2012, 9:32 am, Actually, Im with you on the finance thing. This is how children are taught. So sure, you can take his word for it, and then you keep your eyes peeled like lazer beams for the rest of the relationship. Stop getting angry over small unrelated things and tell him what is really bothering you. when we have an issue with something we just say lets talk about it. In short, you havent had time to even get to the point where your differences might start to come to lightand then become dealbreakers. Parents are supposed to prepare their kids for the real world, the best that they can. ReginaRey His lack of action in making his partner a top priority in his life because he prefers spending time with his parents is abnormal. I would totally be cool with buying a compound and having my family and Peters family live on it in harmony with us. . Listen and dont judge when he tells you why he likes going to his parents and respect his opinion on that. so you dont promote communicating with your partner about money or anything else before moving in? Read some of the most popular Dear Wendy posts here. Gah what is that. If you dont like this? He knows this because its important to me so I talk about it. A lot of family time. Bike riding? Our compromise (when we lived closer, now we live about 6 hours away) was that we would see my family for dinner once a month and that I could go over other times but that he preferred to stay home. And living together for only 3 weeks isnt enough time to really establish a routine. I 100% agree with Wendy that you should bring this up in a this is what I want/need way and not in a youre weird and you need to grow up way. Posted on Last updated: December 26, 2022. January 20, 2012, 9:44 am, So this is what you need to do LW. Agreed, there is too much time spent sitting on the couch in this letter. As with many LWs, your issues could be fixed if you just COMMUNICATE. Because we spent that time communicating (and other stuff, but you dont need to know) it worked perfectly for us. Healthy couples accept these realities of life, work together to minimize the strain, and maximize their relaxation and entertainment time.. Not we have to stay home the whole weekend, but how about we visit your parents on Saturday afternoon and then go have dinner and see a movie Saturday night. Your right, most of these things you shouldnt have to sit down and discuss like a business meeting because by the time you move in together you should already know most of this stuff about them!! She simply says I cant seem to get my boyfriend to understand that I dont want to spend weekend nights at their place more often than maybe once a month and she neglects to follow it up with what his response was or his objections were when she told him how she felt. Allathian Yes, maybe it is so baffling to me is truly freightened by this is he supposed to ). Spends all his free time with family on the weekends isnt exactly dysfunctional., GatorGirl I love girls night.... 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